My parents' tactic was to read to my brother and I from the Christmas chapter of "little house on the prairie" every Christmas Eve, so that we would have a frame of reference for how STOKED a kid used to be to get a tin cup, a penny, a peppermint candy stick, and a little cake made with white sugar and white flour!
Honestly I think it worked pretty well to give us some broader perspective. I know those books have their own elements that might make a leftist hesitate to share them with their children.
Maybe an alternative could be to storytell about Christmas's you had,.Christmas's your parents had, and other ancestors if you have the privilege of knowing those types of stories and learning about how people celebrate around the world?
every year, especially when my son was younger, before birthdays and christmas, we went through his room and identified items he no longer used to donate to other children who did not have toys. this worked well with him, he was able to keep items he really wanted and get rid of things he didn't (I did in fact actually donate anything that wasn't broken or gross). I also had a hard rule that no one could buy him shit that light up or made noise and directed people to non plastic items (books, wooden stuff, etc).
we also almost never bought toys or other things during regular grocery trips. the rule was, if I had a quarter, and if he didn't ask for it, he might be able to get something from the quarter machine on the way out. we didn't go to the toy section to "browse" because we were there to buy food (it helped that I was not in a position to afford anything extra).
currently he's 15, he hates "shopping", will wear his clothes until I forcibly take them for being too small or gross, and rarely asks for anything new.
Love all of this, especially the going through to identify what he no longer uses. We did this before Christmas too but I like making that a regular tradition.
Advice I've heard elsewhere that I can parrot here is that you have to grow an appreciation for something else, like nature for example. Raise your kids on hiking or camping, and those sorts of things will be more important than consumerist hobbies. Easier said than done in my experience.
These are all good ideas. I think it also helps kids perspective-shift for them to be engaged in experiences where they’ll encounter people (and animals, too) who do *not* have enough. It can take a little searching to find places where a 7-year-old can join in with a parent to volunteer, but things like picking up and delivering Meals on Wheels, walking dogs at an animal shelter, helping at a soup kitchen (one near us doesn’t allow kids under 15 in the kitchen, but they can hand out tickets at the door and call out group numbers from the microphone for people to go get their food), etc. go a long way toward helping kids realize how much they have in comparison to others. There are also opportunities for kids of different economic circumstances to gather and interact, usually through things like scouts or churches/synagogues/mosques or other organized groups. One experience I remember was a diverse group of kids being asked to share what their favorite place on earth was, and while the more privileged kids were responding with “Disney World” or “Cabo” or “the beach,” they were stunned to hear other kids saying “McDonald’s” or “my grandma’s house” or “my room.” This is (ideally!) not poverty tourism, but we all tend to live in our little bubbles without any real interaction with peers who are truly living on the edge. It opens up opportunities to talk about how we can respond once we know.
For sure. We had a few families organize a gift package wrapping party so the 7 year olds could be involved. It’s a great way to get involved in volunteering in a way where you don’t cross the poverty tourism line
We focus on the daily materialist struggles and small choices. My kids hear me share my thought process out loud - "Ooh, I love this little thing but I don't know where I'd put it and I like what we already have. I'm sure this isnt made from recycled material and I hate to think of throwing it away later if I change my mind. I'd rather save $10 for something bigger later. I'll see if I still want this in another month," etc. My 10 year old didn't do this at 7 herself, but she did start being more thoughtful and much less hoard-y around 9/10. We say no to almost all things most days of the year and don't feel bad - I'd rather see my kids be thoughtful the other 364 days of the year and I'm okay indulging their materialist asshole sides on Christmas, as long as it doesn't become rude entitlement!
I’m really late to this conversion but it resonates a lot. Reading through the post and comments, I’ve (for now) landed on a couple different ideas:
1. Compassion (including self-compassion). We are all stuck in a horrifying capitalist system and we all to some extent or other are the oppressed and also colluding with the oppressor. Self-compassion (and then, by extension, compassion for the young people in my life) helps me to have enough tenderness and understanding that I can look at my habits and thinking more squarely (this also applies to my kids). If I’m not evil for my part in the horror (and neither are they), I can look at it and be more resourced to make decisions that lean toward even greater compassion for the earth and others (read: reducing my participation in capitalist mindsets and activities). I hope to model this compassion snowball for my children.
2. Remembering my own childhood “bubble”. Remembering what my inner world was like as a child helps me de-escalate the catastrophic thinking around who I and my children are/are becoming. I can remember marveling at the “rich” and “fancy” houses of my friends in our elitist private school when I was young and only later came to realize that I also had quite a lovely, well-to-do life. My child’s friend lived/s in a home where he is hit when he “misbehaves” and was mind-blown to learn that my kid, despite often be quite oppositional, is never hit or even punished. He could not understand that other kids do not get hit when they are “bad” (or that we don’t think of our kid as bad). Whatever our situation, we remain in our bubbles until one day, a friend or family member shows us that the “other” life is closer than we had ever imagined. It will happen as long as you’re actually being with other people who are economically, racially, ethnically, etc different than you. And if you’re not, see #1 above.
3. Keep having the conversations. I love the suggestion of speaking to myself out-loud in front of my kids regarding material desires and consumerism - thanks to the person who posted that. Having those talks with our kids and selves - not demonizing the desire but talking through it and involving thinking faculties in illuminating our emotional lives - is so helpful big picture. The fruit of that practice ripens slowly and reaches fullness in an overall skillfullness in self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
4. In the meantime: tactics, because the toy aisle is real for my kids and I don’t want to make my kids (or myself in my favorite aisles) “wrong”. One tactic that has worked well is taking pictures of my kids with their desires in the toy aisle to add to their birthday or Christmas lists (I also have a running list in my phone of things I want and can share with others thinking of gifting me things). This seems satisfying for them (and me!) that their desires have been acknowledged and recorded (they can see that it has) and that these items will be remembered. Then, when aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, etc ask what they can get them for the said celebrations, I have a list. It also helps me to see which items/kinds of items they keep coming back to which might indicate a real desire for that kind of play thing.
Does it solve it all? Of course not! We’re living under capitalism! The horrors are multitudinous and the struggle is real but we do what we can! Thanks for the post and comments; this conversation is one my partner and I have a bit but it’s nice to know it isn’t just us!
My parents' tactic was to read to my brother and I from the Christmas chapter of "little house on the prairie" every Christmas Eve, so that we would have a frame of reference for how STOKED a kid used to be to get a tin cup, a penny, a peppermint candy stick, and a little cake made with white sugar and white flour!
Honestly I think it worked pretty well to give us some broader perspective. I know those books have their own elements that might make a leftist hesitate to share them with their children.
Maybe an alternative could be to storytell about Christmas's you had,.Christmas's your parents had, and other ancestors if you have the privilege of knowing those types of stories and learning about how people celebrate around the world?
Great idea!
every year, especially when my son was younger, before birthdays and christmas, we went through his room and identified items he no longer used to donate to other children who did not have toys. this worked well with him, he was able to keep items he really wanted and get rid of things he didn't (I did in fact actually donate anything that wasn't broken or gross). I also had a hard rule that no one could buy him shit that light up or made noise and directed people to non plastic items (books, wooden stuff, etc).
we also almost never bought toys or other things during regular grocery trips. the rule was, if I had a quarter, and if he didn't ask for it, he might be able to get something from the quarter machine on the way out. we didn't go to the toy section to "browse" because we were there to buy food (it helped that I was not in a position to afford anything extra).
currently he's 15, he hates "shopping", will wear his clothes until I forcibly take them for being too small or gross, and rarely asks for anything new.
Love all of this, especially the going through to identify what he no longer uses. We did this before Christmas too but I like making that a regular tradition.
Advice I've heard elsewhere that I can parrot here is that you have to grow an appreciation for something else, like nature for example. Raise your kids on hiking or camping, and those sorts of things will be more important than consumerist hobbies. Easier said than done in my experience.
Such good advice!!
These are all good ideas. I think it also helps kids perspective-shift for them to be engaged in experiences where they’ll encounter people (and animals, too) who do *not* have enough. It can take a little searching to find places where a 7-year-old can join in with a parent to volunteer, but things like picking up and delivering Meals on Wheels, walking dogs at an animal shelter, helping at a soup kitchen (one near us doesn’t allow kids under 15 in the kitchen, but they can hand out tickets at the door and call out group numbers from the microphone for people to go get their food), etc. go a long way toward helping kids realize how much they have in comparison to others. There are also opportunities for kids of different economic circumstances to gather and interact, usually through things like scouts or churches/synagogues/mosques or other organized groups. One experience I remember was a diverse group of kids being asked to share what their favorite place on earth was, and while the more privileged kids were responding with “Disney World” or “Cabo” or “the beach,” they were stunned to hear other kids saying “McDonald’s” or “my grandma’s house” or “my room.” This is (ideally!) not poverty tourism, but we all tend to live in our little bubbles without any real interaction with peers who are truly living on the edge. It opens up opportunities to talk about how we can respond once we know.
For sure. We had a few families organize a gift package wrapping party so the 7 year olds could be involved. It’s a great way to get involved in volunteering in a way where you don’t cross the poverty tourism line
We focus on the daily materialist struggles and small choices. My kids hear me share my thought process out loud - "Ooh, I love this little thing but I don't know where I'd put it and I like what we already have. I'm sure this isnt made from recycled material and I hate to think of throwing it away later if I change my mind. I'd rather save $10 for something bigger later. I'll see if I still want this in another month," etc. My 10 year old didn't do this at 7 herself, but she did start being more thoughtful and much less hoard-y around 9/10. We say no to almost all things most days of the year and don't feel bad - I'd rather see my kids be thoughtful the other 364 days of the year and I'm okay indulging their materialist asshole sides on Christmas, as long as it doesn't become rude entitlement!
Love that! I’ve never been great at sharing my thought process with my kid, but this is good motivation to keep that up
I’m really late to this conversion but it resonates a lot. Reading through the post and comments, I’ve (for now) landed on a couple different ideas:
1. Compassion (including self-compassion). We are all stuck in a horrifying capitalist system and we all to some extent or other are the oppressed and also colluding with the oppressor. Self-compassion (and then, by extension, compassion for the young people in my life) helps me to have enough tenderness and understanding that I can look at my habits and thinking more squarely (this also applies to my kids). If I’m not evil for my part in the horror (and neither are they), I can look at it and be more resourced to make decisions that lean toward even greater compassion for the earth and others (read: reducing my participation in capitalist mindsets and activities). I hope to model this compassion snowball for my children.
2. Remembering my own childhood “bubble”. Remembering what my inner world was like as a child helps me de-escalate the catastrophic thinking around who I and my children are/are becoming. I can remember marveling at the “rich” and “fancy” houses of my friends in our elitist private school when I was young and only later came to realize that I also had quite a lovely, well-to-do life. My child’s friend lived/s in a home where he is hit when he “misbehaves” and was mind-blown to learn that my kid, despite often be quite oppositional, is never hit or even punished. He could not understand that other kids do not get hit when they are “bad” (or that we don’t think of our kid as bad). Whatever our situation, we remain in our bubbles until one day, a friend or family member shows us that the “other” life is closer than we had ever imagined. It will happen as long as you’re actually being with other people who are economically, racially, ethnically, etc different than you. And if you’re not, see #1 above.
3. Keep having the conversations. I love the suggestion of speaking to myself out-loud in front of my kids regarding material desires and consumerism - thanks to the person who posted that. Having those talks with our kids and selves - not demonizing the desire but talking through it and involving thinking faculties in illuminating our emotional lives - is so helpful big picture. The fruit of that practice ripens slowly and reaches fullness in an overall skillfullness in self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
4. In the meantime: tactics, because the toy aisle is real for my kids and I don’t want to make my kids (or myself in my favorite aisles) “wrong”. One tactic that has worked well is taking pictures of my kids with their desires in the toy aisle to add to their birthday or Christmas lists (I also have a running list in my phone of things I want and can share with others thinking of gifting me things). This seems satisfying for them (and me!) that their desires have been acknowledged and recorded (they can see that it has) and that these items will be remembered. Then, when aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, etc ask what they can get them for the said celebrations, I have a list. It also helps me to see which items/kinds of items they keep coming back to which might indicate a real desire for that kind of play thing.
Does it solve it all? Of course not! We’re living under capitalism! The horrors are multitudinous and the struggle is real but we do what we can! Thanks for the post and comments; this conversation is one my partner and I have a bit but it’s nice to know it isn’t just us!